Second Marriages, Blended Families, and the Elderly

Maybe the second marriage occurred when your parent was younger, maybe as a result of a divorce, and you and your step-brothers/sisters have grown up together. Maybe the second marriage occurred later in life when your mother or father was widowed and you and your step-brothers/sisters have gotten to know each other as adults.

It's wonderful when the various parts of blended families get along and enjoy each other, regardless of what stage of life the blending occurred. Every family works out the relationships based on their individual circumstances.

When an elderly parent begins to need more assistance, these 'step' relationships and responsibilities can become difficult. The difficulties become compounded when there are financial issues and the different parts of the family have different financial situations.

Some simple different scenarios:

Henry and Pam were both widows with grown children when they met in their 60's. After dating for a few years, they were married. Their children lived in various parts of the country and only saw each other on occasion. Now well into their 80's, they were experiencing enough health issues that some decisions needed to be made. Their own children had Powers of Attorney and Healthcare Powers of Attorney meaning decisions were being made separately. These adult children really didn't know each other and didn't want to make joint decisions. Adding to the difficulty was the fact that there was a considerable difference in finances between both Henry and Pam as well as their various children.

It was also a second marriage for Irving and Lois. Irving's son never liked Lois. As Irving's health began to deteriorate, the son wanted to make sure that Lois didn't use up too much of Irving's money. The son was able to move money from Irving's personal investment account into his own account. Irving and Lois had always pooled their income to live on. The reduction in income resulting from the son shifting capital was causing Lois to not be able to afford to hire aides to help care for Irving.

The above two examples illustrate a couple of potential types of problems. Even with the best of blended family relationships, there will be issues. If you want to move your aging parent to be geographically closer to you, are you going to separate them or move them together? If there is a significant difference in financial abilities, are you willing to help pay for the step-parent's care?

Good planning and communication before a crisis arises is the key. Not every possible scenario can be planned for but while everyone's physical and cognitive health is good, the conversations must be had.

Budgeting-- Even More Important for the Elderly

Budgeting. Ugh, not a process that anyone enjoys but everyone know that should be done. It doesn't matter if your income is $1000/month or $100,000/month, it's still important to plan spending levels. Many people assume that once they retire or reach a certain age that they no longer need to think about budgeting. The reality is just the opposite, budgeting is even more important for the elderly.

The biggest fear that most elderly people have is outliving their money. But, a big mistake that the aging make is to not pay attention to where they're spending their money. I think the assumption is that their expenses at this stage of life are beyond their control. This is far from true.

Here are some examples of places to look to save.

Drug costs. Most seniors today have Medicare Part D prescription drug coverage. But, this doesn't mean that there aren't ways to save. Pay attention to what is prescribed. Some drugs may not be covered in your plan but a good substitute may be. Look into different stores or mail order options to see if the prices vary. Pay a lot of attention to over-the-counter products. There are huge price differences from one retail chain to another. Convenience becomes a factor in these decisions, especially if driving is a problem.

Car-related issues. Cars are expensive to drive, maintain, and insure. Many elderly couples keep two cars. As they age, there may be less of a need for both cars--maybe they always go out together, maybe one really should no longer be driving, maybe they live in a community that provides some transportation services.

Lifestyle. Ah, this is a tough one. Most people, the elderly included, want to continue the same lifestyle that they are used to. Again, it doesn't matter what income bracket. An elderly person's income may not be able to continue to support belonging to multiple country clubs, a lot of restaurant dining, or buying generous gifts for family members. It also doesn't mean going to the other extreme and living like a hermit. But, as hard as it may be to change, staying the course when it comes to day-to-day lifestyle issues may not be realistic.

The key to budgeting is to realistically examine where money is being spent and make conscious decisions about spending instead of blindly going forward month-in and month-out. This is true at any age but especially true for the elderly. There aren't too many options for generating additional income to cover the spending.

Misleading Medical Information and the Dangers to the Elderly

An earlier post was about phishing emails and how hard it was to realize when it wasn't a legitimate email. Today's subject is similar but related to medical and pharmaceutical information. It could go in a number of different directions, but because Kitchen Table Finance is aimed toward baby boomers and their elderly parents, this will focus on information found in mainstream newspapers.

I was sitting at the kitchen table in one of my client's homes, working on their bills. Annie and Bill were a well educated, sophisticated couple. Bill was well into his eighties and suffering from serious vision problems. As he could no longer read the paper, Annie was reading it out loud to him. I couldn't help but hear the information as she was reading. It was about a product containing calcium, vitamin k, and other miscellaneous vitamins. To listen to what the article was saying, you'd think that they had just discovered something as game-changing as Penicillin. They both decided to call the phone number given in the article to order the product. I try to keep up with the news and I was surprised that I hadn't heard about this particular combination and protocol and all the medical problems that it was solving. When I was done, I asked Annie if I could look at the article and copy down some of the information. When I saw what she had been reading I realized that it was an ad set up to look like an article.

The elderly are very vulnerable to getting sucked into buying something that promises to solve all their health issues. Hopefully the product at least does no harm. Beware of 'miracle' cures for anything. Encourage your parents to ask their doctor or pharmacist. At the very least, you can do some research on some of the reliable medical websites. Most elderly people don't have money to waste on useless products and certainly can't risk taking something that could have adverse effects.

Your Not So Elderly Parents Moved to Florida or Arizona or North Carolina or Wherever

But now your very elderly parents live in Florida or Arizona or North Carolina or Wherever.

I was with a client, Anne, that had moved to Florida from New York a number of years ago. She and her husband were 'young' retirees, quickly made new friends and began a new phase of life. Their children stayed in the Northeast and established their own lives and families.

Fast forward 20 years --Anne's lifestyle has dramatically changed. Her husband has Alzheimer's and is now in a nursing home. Anne goes to the nursing home each day, does his laundry, supervises his care, brings him food, and tries to provide him with some socialization. She's taking great care of him. What's going to happen when Anne needs some similar type of care?

There isn't a boilerplate answer to this situation. Every family situation is different and everyone needs to address their own particular set of circumstances. Here are some questions that may help define the issues specific to your family.

• Can you and your siblings work together to come up with a plan?
• Is one of you willing to take the lead, be the point person and be comfortable that they have the support of the other family members?
• Do you know the state of your parent's finances?
• Is there Long Term Care Insurance?
• Can your surviving parent afford to pay out-of-pocket to have help in the house in the event that they can't stay home alone?
• What is your surviving parent's feeling about applying for Medicaid if they don't feel that they can afford nursing home care?
• Is there a significant difference in the finances of you and your siblings? Can one of you help out financially more than the other(s) and how do all of you feel about that?
• Is the surviving parent willing to relocate to where one of the children live?
• Was a goal of your parents to leave a financial legacy to their children? Or, is the surviving parent willing and comfortable using up most or all of their money on their own care during their final years? How do each of the siblings feel about their parent using up all of their money if that situation arises?
• No matter what the quality of home health care or nursing home care, there needs to be someone paying attention, someone to be the elderly person's advocate. If there isn't a family member able to do that due to geography, family relations, or other reason, are there funds to hire someone?

Speaking in generalities, it is typically the woman that is the surviving elderly parent. The woman has been the mom, the caregiver, the nurturer. Now someone has to step up to the plate and make sure she's taken care of.

As a lead in to my planned next post....it's called Family Dynamics - We've all got them. I have a feeling you can predict where this is going!!

Computers, Social Media, and Aging Parents

Twitter and Facebook, online banking and ATM's, blogs and ipads -- they've all become part of many of our daily norms. Some seniors won't touch a computer beyond getting pictures of their grandchildren, some are computer savvy.

The use of technology has many implications when figuring out how to handle the financial affairs of an aging parent. The decision has to be separated into multiple layers.

When an aging parent begins to need help to take care of their financial affairs, the obvious first answer is to have one of their children start to take over. Today, even if the child doesn't live locally, a plan can be implemented due to the technology available. Bills can be sent via email, access can be set-up to bank online, consent can be given to have duplicate brokerage statement sent.

But, even the elderly that are comfortable with technology may balk at this plan. Why? Yes it is partially due to the issue of security of their personal information. But, it's more than that. It's the lack of human involvement that is equally as much the issue. This becomes more pronounced the more home bound the person has become. Sometimes I think we forget how much there is to be gained by the 'old school' way of interacting.

Molly was well into her 80's when we first began to work together. She had had a career in the garment industry in New York and continued to lead a very active life when she retired to Florida. After some medical issues, she needed some help taking care of her household finances. Nothing was terribly complicated and her son that lived out-of-state could have easily set everything up so he could handle things online. Molly was home alone more and more. After having lead a very active, social life she was now very lonely. It was better for someone to come to her home each week to not just pay the bills, but to sit and visit for awhile. I was fortunate to be that person and learned far more from her than I could have ever learned from sitting at the computer.

So, text and tweet, watch movies on your ipad, get your information from google searches, take advantage of whatever the next generation of technology brings. The technology may be very good at getting the mechanics done. But, don't forget to sit at the kitchen table and talk to your grandmother, a friend or a neighbor!