The Conversation About Finances Between Adult Children and Aging Parents

The issue of how much detail parents should tell adult children about their finances is a complex one. All sorts of factors come into play, from the practical to the hot button issues of family dynamics. Every situation is different and there is no boilerplate right answer. The scenarios below are meant to be representative of ones I have experienced in my practice.

John and Mary have always lived well and that has continued into retirement. Their children assume that they have a substantial amount of money and therefore think nothing of coming to them for help. The reality of their finances is that they have always lived right up to the edge – and at times beyond. They aren’t sure how to begin to correct this illusion and change habit patterns.

Eva is widowed and living on a fixed income. She’s proud and very independent. Recently she realized that it was time to stop driving so she hired a woman to drive her when needed. As more and more of her friends have stopped driving, she has had to begin using the driver more frequently. The cost of this is starting to have an impact on her finances but none of her family lives in the area to help out. She doesn’t want to ask for her children for help so she’s staying home alone more often instead.

Dave and Anne were financially very comfortable, not rich but very comfortable and very private about how much money they had. Their son-in-law has never made much money and never seemed very ambitious. Dave just passed away and now Anne is working through things such as Power of Attorney, signatory authority on her accounts, access to the safe deposit box, etc. She’s uncomfortable having her son-in-law know how much money she has but knows that her daughter is the logical choice for these responsibilities.

Adult children as well as their aging parents may be uncomfortable initiating or being involved in conversations about topics that haven’t been discussed before. But, it is important to have the conversation and develop a plan before a crisis or emergency occurs.

It All Starts with the Mail

To some of you, dealing with the mail each day is routine, something you don’t give much thought to.

For others, the mail is an overwhelming task that leaves you exasperated on a daily basis. There can be varying reasons for this – the beginnings of Alzheimer’s, multiple people getting the mail and leaving it everywhere, or simple disorganization. When mail gets ‘misplaced’ throughout the house life gets much more stressful and complicated than need be. Bills don’t get paid and extraordinary amounts of time get spent searching for things, never mind the mess.

I have been in people’s homes and in the hunt for the mail and bills, found them in kitchen drawers, on kitchen counters, in the car, in bedroom night tables, in between cushions on the couch, and so on. Sometimes it has been opened, sometimes it hasn’t. The consequences of lost/misplaced mail can be serious. For example, checks may become invalid after a certain number of days, insurance policies lapse if not paid within a certain time frame, and interest charges on credit cards mount up.

Regardless of the reason that the issue exists, the important thing to do is to establish a routine that everyone follows:

1. The mail should be sorted immediately if possible, or at the very least, get rid of the junk. This will reduce the clutter.

2. It is critical that one place be designated as the holding place for bills. It can be anything from a shoebox to a specific drawer to a priceless antique accessory. Wherever that place is, everyone - spouses, children, cleaning help, and aides –must follow the routine.

3. For those with the beginnings of Alzheimer’s or someone living with a person with Alzheimer’s, it is critical to emphasize the routine over and over again. If the person with Alzheimer’s is getting the mail, the routine that’s emphasized is simply to put all the mail in the one designated place. Someone else must do the sorting.

4. Keep a shredder handy. The following are some of the things that should be put through the shredder, not just in the wastebasket: anything with an account number on it; credit card solicitations; convenience checks that come with your credit card bill - those blank checks that they give you to use to pay other bills.

And finally, be practical. Don’t set up a system that’s too fussy for everyone to keep up with for the long haul. It doesn’t matter whether you use a stack of empty shoe boxes or this really cool $198 mail organizer I saw in a catalog, there’s one constant. The mail comes every day, and every day you’ve got to deal with it.